Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Life is Unpredictable...

...and then you die.

Or, is that, "Life's a bitch, and then you die"?

Well, whatever. The point is: SHIT HAPPENS and people have to cancel or reschedule. Especially during the holidays when things are chaotic and everyone is spread thin.

Roll with the punches. Don't cry like a big, fat baby when someone ruins your plans. Everyone has shit to do...

...especially on Christmas Eve.

Life is unpredictable just like your reaction to my sudden change of plans, WHICH, I had no control over.

One finds oneself faced with a list of priorities on a daily basis. One must choose carefully from this list. What is important to one person is less important to another.

I chose and now you're bent out of shape.

Life is a bitch and then you die.

Life has lessons to teach. This be only one in a long-ass list of karmic schoolings.

Merry Frackin' Christmas!!

~Mare~
Guest Blogger Extraordinaire
www.houseofsoga.blogspot.com
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Monday, December 21, 2009

My best friend is mean to me (and other lies I'll tell you...)

She's soooo mean to me!!

She wants me to blog more...

and work out...

and be creative....

and get out of the house more....

and take more pictures...

She's a real task master I tell ya. She seems to think she does it out of love.....

I think she secretly hates me and is trying to slowly "love" me to death..... because the girl can hold a grudge and I'm pretty sure I may have pissed in her cheerios at some point in the last 23 years...

Actually she's pretty awesome and I'm lucky to have her, so I guess, for her, I shall TRY to blog more.....

and get my fat ass on the treadmill more...

and be creative....

and take more pictures....

But she better be grateful demmit!

After all I'm doing all this for her....*wink*
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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Shenanigans!

Shenanigan

she·nan·i·gan
(plural she·nan·i·gans)

noun
Definition:

1. questionable act: something that is deceitful, underhanded, or otherwise questionable ( usually used in the plural )

2. trick or prank: a playful trick, mischievous prank, or other display of high spirits

[Mid-19th century]


I love that word....Shenanigans!

It just rolls off the tongue....and it sounds like what it means...mischief. How fun! I love trouble, well good mischief anyway....

My husband and I love shenanigans, especially if we're pulling shenanigans on the kids...and our kids were born suckers. Unfortunately they're getting smarter, they're onto us now. We have to plan bigger and better, and be very flexible. There used to be a time when a simple fabrication could bring a days worth of giggles to the King and I.....

Like the time they were whining during a particularly long car ride and we started telling them about their older "brother" Bruce.

"Bruce used to chew bubble gum."

"Oh yeah Bruce was a huge vikings fan."

"Man could Bruce catch fish! He was a born fisherman I tell ya..."

"Bruce used to whine in the car too, that's why we left him at that truck stop...."


and then from the backseat...."Heeeeeyyyy you guys made Bruce up, didn't you?"
They were answered with gales of laughter from the front seat but now they've caught on...

They're doing it back to us now, and they're getting really good at it. Really good.

My mother sent them fake dog doo for Christmas, so it's a safe guess that this is genetic. She was the Queen of Shenanigans when I was a kid and I learned well....

I think as she hands the torch (or dog doo) down to the next generation, I can safely say that they too have learned well.
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Friday, December 18, 2009

Cuz time-outs only work for so long.....

Kids will test you.....

When people tell you that kids aren't doing things maliciously, they are stupid or childless, or their children walk all over them and they're oblivious....

Because children WILL test you, and they test you to see what they have to do, how far to go to get what they want...

It's human nature....

and guess what people "Children are human too!!"

But here's a little tip from me to you, you are in fact, the adult in the situation....

That means you get to dole out random punishment with out time limits, you get to swat a butt if you feel it necessary and you sure as hell have the right to make their life harder for 5 damn minutes....

I am so sick of people who say "we don't eat at restaurants because the kids won't behave" or "oh he makes that noise all the time, we just ignore it"....

The hell you say!

You are the adult, you explain the behavior you expect, and the consequences for not behaving appropriately in each situation....and then, and here's the biggest part, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH.

YOU have to be the bad guy, you are NOT their friend, You are their teacher....their PARENT.

I promise you my kids are far from perfect and I don't go around beating them all day (though some days it seems like I should start) but they are well behaved in public, they treat people with respect and they never make other people homicidal while they are TRYING to enjoy a nice dinner out at the local Olive Garden.....

okay so maybe I have an agenda with this post....

perhaps it's not just about me trying to pass on some helpful tips to my readers....

Maybe I just want the woman with the over-tired kindergartner to drag his squealing ass out to the car and take him home so I can enjoy my umlimited salad and bread sticks in peace....

Oh, and um, Waitress.....

Yes, could I have some more of that free sample wine please...Thank you!


Next time I'll tell ya'll about how after enough "free samples" of wine at Olive Garden, you won't care how loud other peoples children are.....or whether you had shoes on when you got there.....
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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ouija board, Would you work for me ? I have got to say Hello to an old friend.............

I don't know how to say what I want to say....

My thoughts are disjointed and random...

I dream I have conversations with her and I want to pick up the phone and finish them.

She has been missed everyday of the last 10 years and I would give anything to hear her voice again....

Knowing her was a blessing in my life....

Today would have been her 37th birthday and I will raise a glass in her honor and to her memory.....

Caitlee, Happy Birthday and I love you!
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Monday, December 14, 2009

the goose is getting fat.....

Today I am one step closer to being ready for the holidays......




THE TREE IS DONE!!

Now to do the rest.....

Baking cookies, checking the naughty list (I just know I made it on there this year...WOOT!), shopping, cleaning, more baking, a little more decorating....

I'm already too tired for all this....

Perhaps an Irish coffee and a warm fire is more my speed....

I'll just tell the kids that they were so naughty Santa won't even be stopping to give them coal....

Is it possible to find convincing coal nowadays? I mean if I use a brickette won't they figure that out? I guess they are fairly smart, hell they already know I'm lying about Santa....

So coal is out....

Better go for the 'Martha Stewart' version of Christmas instead....

Could someone get me her number please, I'll pay her in snarky comments and gin...
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Saturday, December 05, 2009

"P" is for Poop

Do I need an introduction? Perhaps. I'm "Mare", as Qweenie has called me for the last 23 years. Our friendship started out innocently in an English class where the teacher's less-than-lady-like posture and disposition completely distracted us with a crotch shot every day for an hour. We were 11-year-old girls. She was the giggly one. Here we are, 23 years later, plotting and planning, as usual. We are still those little girls, only now, we're much taller and have our own children.

Those children are the very thing keeping our lives more than interesting in a way that only a mommy can understand. I have a 6-year-old boy and a 3.5-year-old girl. Both are very entertaining and mildly annoying at the same time. I love them with all my life.

My son, we'll call him "Lo", has a fascination with poop. Not the fecal matter itself, but the word and the thought of it. He finds it humorous in ways that I cannot explain. It sounds funny. It looks funny. To think about it is funny. To hear one say the word "poop" puts him into a hysterical, giggling fit that only stops when I use the "big voice" to tell him that poop, indeed, is not funny.

I walked away from him as he was doing his homework the other day. His task was to draw 3 items that begin with the letter "P". I thought this was an easy task not warranting supervision. So, ten minutes later my child brings his piece of artistic mastery to me and I proceed to quiz him.

Mom: "What's this triangle with the circles on it?"
Lo: "A piece of pizza."
Mom: "What's this circle with the little yellow square on it?"
Lo: "A pancake with butter on it."
Mom: "Is that a hot dog?"
Lo: "No."
Mom: "Then what is it?"
Lo: "It's a poop." (hysterics ensue)

Yes, it was a log. I shouldn't have, because my job is to set an example, but went ahead and laughed my ass off, then proceeded to pick up the phone and dial. I had to share this with someone and who better to share it with than my BFF of 23 years? She masterminded a plan that would then turn the poop into a dachshund "puppy" by adding legs, a head and a tail. His teacher is none the wiser.

Today's bit of awesome mom-ness was brought to you by the letter "P".

~"Mare"~
(Guest Blogger Extraordinaire)
-Visit my photo blog-

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Thanks for sharing with us Mare. Please come back again soon and tell us more funny/crude kid stories....they're my FAVORITE!!
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Books, books...I love them...

Recommended by Qweenie

A Charmed Death
The Trouble With Magic
Armed and Glamorous
Grave Apparel
Hostile Makeover
Raiders of the Lost Corset
Designer Knockoff
Killer Hair
Red Knife: A Cork O'Connor Mystery
The Queen's Fool
Thunder Bay: A Cork O'Connor Mystery
Just One Look
The Everafter War
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The Eyre Affair
Snow Blind
Dead Run
Phantom Prey
Monkeewrench
Drowning Ruth


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